you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
