Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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