Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
