Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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