she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
