Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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