Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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