I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
