I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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