i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
