she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
