What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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