so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
