I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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