Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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