This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
