cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
