I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
