True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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