New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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