There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
