I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
