some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
