Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
