TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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