Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
