Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
