Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
