i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
