i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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