I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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