i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
