hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
