awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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