Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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