I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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