remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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