i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
