i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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