woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
