pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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