Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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