She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i now understand why vodka
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
