I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
