I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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