I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
