so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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