Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
