She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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