i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
