Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
